Resenting every bloody cuticle as a snapshot of my life

It is interesting how rapidly pieces of thoughts fall into place when you take a moment to think them through. Actually, I didn't even have to think things through. It was more a matter of acknowledging what I was already aware of and attempting to neglect for some time now.

I have been so overwhelmed ever since this school year started. There are so many different possibilities to explain my feelings of anxiety I didn't even know where to start in an effort to resolve the problem. But sitting there today in the tucked-away labo des ordinateurs on the third floor, I finally allowed that falling piece to lodge one corner into my exhausted head. I complain about being overworked, I panic over my incomprehension, and I frantically worry away my fingernails as I attempt to make some sense out of classes, life, love, and other mysteries (oh, Point of Grace just never dies). But when the God I promised to serve no longer has even the lightest touch on the reins of my life, I can't pretend to understand where my "confusion" could lie.

Confusion. That has been the key word in my life for the past 2 weeks, and I think it is only now that I am starting to acknowledge why.

The only reason I am at my school is because I followed God's leading to apply. The only reason I am in the program that I am in is because I finally turned to God last year and asked him what He wanted. I felt such a profound peace and an overwhelming joy at doing so. And now, my selfish ambition has snatched that away.

It makes me even more tired to even consider re-dedicating my life to God - again. Yet, what are my other options? Worry myself into the ground? Survive this year by the tips of my bloody, chewed-off fingertips and head into the next year with even more apprehension? Continue to slowly strip the life off of every relationship I tenuously hold because my life is so crammed full of anxiety?

What gorgeous choices.

And yet I still resist.

I suppose that is why I am confused with myself. It's the why.